My heart is full tonight. I truly want everyone to know that you have
lightened my load and help me through the hardest thing I have ever
had to do. I can't imagine bringing Tanner home to anything else but
what he has. To help him maintain his sense of Independence and privacy.
I know this has made it so much easier on our family and Tanner.
I am not sure if my kids could agree with the easy part. It has taken its
toll on each of them also.
I try to talk to Tanner as we get him ready for bed to find out how he feels.
He is not a kid of many words or quick decisions. I ask him what color of
shower curtain, he says surprise me! Brenda gives him many wonderful
choices of dinners for tomorrow and he says "Surprise me". So sometimes,
I can get a few more words that have great meaning behind them.
Trying to figure out what are is frustration, and how we can work
through them. He can't go to far with out communication or we are both
in a bad place. So I try to talk at times like bedtime. Tonight it was
heart wrenching to see him in a place of wondering what is to be. As I
stroke his hair and think of my little boy, never thinking that he would
have to figure things out from a new prospective. I have pictures of him
trying to get off the floor onto an ottoman. He did it but not with ease. Also
he wasn't going to give up until he made it. As I watch his body jerk from the
muscle spasm's in his legs, wondering if he will be able to sleep tonight.
Also thinking of his Cousin Josh lifting him into the excursion, very tender,
and taking him out. How humbling for Tanner, how tender of Josh. Tanner
wondering if he has now just become a tag a long? I asked would you be there
if you weren't having this challenge? His answer was yes, but the feelings are
there. These are things that wrench your heart as a mom. Wishing you
could take this pain away. Yes we do have times like these. And yes we
hope for a better tomorrow. We have already come so far.
After all of that information I just couldn't sleep and figured if I shared a
moment with friends again, I will be lifted. Thanks for the prayers and tears
you share with me.
Much Love,
Stacie
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4 comments:
Tanner,
Once upon a time I went through a pretty trying time. As I struggled through each day, just trying to go on, I realized something that helped me. I realized that in the premortal exsistence I very likely understood and agreed to endure the trial I was experiencing. I then thought about whether or not I would give my trial to one of my friends, so that I wouldn't have to go through it, and they would.
It gave me strength and courage to know that I would NEVER want someone else I cared about to have my trial, that I WOULD choose to go through my pain before I would wish it on someone else. If you think about it, you are that kind of man!
Tanner, you are a blessed, tender, good spirit.
We pray for you every day. You are so STRONG! Hang in there and take care of your mom and dad.
Love you,
Twede's (specifically V)
Stacie, the mom in me feels your pain. I love you. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thanks Stacie...you just made me cry my eyes out!! You are such an amazing mom. I can't even comprehend what you are going through as a mom and seeing her child suffering. I know what it is like to see your child hurting, but not to the degree that you are and I want you to know that you are doing such an awesome job...your whole family is. You REALLY are such an amazing woman and everyone that knows you would agree with me. Tanner is an amazing guy and he will do amazing things in his life...no matter what his circumstance is. Heavenly Father could have stopped this from happening, but he let it happen for reasons that we don't know yet...but we will one day. I think He knows that Tanner will conquer this trial and come out stronger. Tanner is and will be an inspiration to so many people!
I have always known Tanner was a very special boy. His expression of himself has always been through his actions...not his words. That is what makes him unstoppable. I love the quote from Nelson Mandela that says, "Our deepest fear is not that we are adequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Tanner's potential and greatness is just beginning to show itself. Watch out World! I love you Staci. -Ali
Tanner,
Everyday I always try to think of something I can say that would lift your day and make you smile. Thank heaven for you most days I fall into the dumb blond catagory and fail to think I have anything to say that is very intelligent.
However, there have been some thoughts that have been running through my head and that usually means for better or worse I must express them. So read along if you like and if I appear to be rambling
and you wonder what this has to do with you I will totally understand, but like I tell my kids, read it anyway. It's a Mom thing.
When I was 30, 29 years ago, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Which I totally blame for all of my air headiness now. Anyway, Brock was 7 months old, Derek was 2 Melissa 4, Andrea 6, and Tiffany 8 I had to have surgery. I sent my 2 baby boys to Denver for 6 weeks for my sister to care for and my girls stayed home with my parents. I did not know at that time if I would live or die. There were many weeks of prayers and fear trying to understand God's plan and will for me and my little family. I even told Ray he would definately have to remarry if I died to help care for the children. And trust me, for a woman to say that, that is true love. I did tell him I would have to pick her out from heaven. She would have to be a good cook, a loving mother for the kids, but really unattractive.
This however, is one of the amazing lessons I learned through all of that experience. I always felt so strongly impressed from the beginning every time I prayed that I should pray, not specifically that I would be healed, but that whatever the Lord had planned for me I would be able to have peace and endure it well. I found myself praying every day for peace and acceptance for what was to be. It is interesting to me that the Lord asks us sometimes to pray to Him for what we need to be asking for. Not only what we want. That was a great life lesson for me. I lived through the surgery and radiation treatments as you know cause I am still around today. Tanner, I don't believe I lived because I had more faith or prayers than someone else who doesn't live or who isn't healed. I believe that I lived because for some reason it was not my time and it was God's plan for me to be here a while longer to do whatever He needs me to do. Tho some days I am sure He is thinking, "What was I thinking, she is getting this all wrong!"
In 1 Nephi 9:5-6 Nephi tells us the Lord commanded him to make the plates and says, "for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not." (sounds like our lives sometimes, doesn't it)
6 But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men;for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.
The Lord knows you and your life, Tanner, from beginning to end and He will and is preparing a way for you to accomplish what He needs you to do. You are in the process of discovering what it is for yourself and you must believe that you have what it takes to accept and fulfill whatever that is.
P.S. What a long comment. So sorry! but this is just for you to read on some long winter's day.
I saw a sign the other day that made me think of you and all of your races:
YOU EITHER MAKE DUST OR YOU EAT DUST.
You, my boy, will always make dust in your life. Eating dust isn't part of your character.
love ya, Brenda
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